unable to forget INSANE of In-laws. still i am cooking for them. bitterness some time

it's almost 2 years completed from the day i got abused emotionally by In-laws & co-sister, BIL in absence of DH. but still....some times i am getting back into tears when i get thoughts of those scenes & torture i faced because of these worst people.

during 2nd month of pregnancy , i am very very hungry due to baby demands. due to these people i kept my baby of womb in hungry mode with teared eyes. just because of co-sis over action. she want to cook fresh food for me but dont care even though it takes 2 hours late. she doesn't allow me to eat previous day food & there is no availability of other fruits /snacks in that home. MIL had argument with her & shown irritation on me just because i asked for food.(i woke up by 6 a.m due to hungry.i observed that there is no food available there & co-sis not yet wakes up even by 8 AM. so MIL try to give previous night rice. when i am trying to heat that food, co-sis came & had argue with MIL that how she can serve old food to me. she is blabbering that i will tell to all relatives that they served old food.)

discussion goes on.....MIL is crying.....co-sis & BIL pointing out me with silly reasons .i want to get out from house. came out & had food by 10Am in one restaurant. then MIL & BIL family blamed me to disrespect them & forced my DH to pressurize me to say sorry to co-sis. i downed my head by that time for their emotional blackmailing.... that leads to emotional stress in me & restaurant food leads to food poison then to fever which turns me as serious patient. joined in ICU with heavy fever. platelets count downed to very low so that DH running out on city roads for blood.

Doctors also feared to give antibiotics to my body because it may cause to death of baby. but if they dont give, it may cause to death of mother. Doctors said to my father that "there may be chance to loss baby or baby with abnormalities. be ready for any situation & pray god". they are trying to treat with mild antibiotics every hour which makes my veins to vary pain. because it is my first admission in hospital from my birth onward... i didn't bare that pain for every hour & crying alot...that ICU environment made me fear more because others are suffering with serious problems like leg losing & mental disorder so on.... really i experienced a HELL in that ICU. who is the reason for this situation?

No peace of mind during journey of my pregnancy. lot of arguments with DH because he is not questioning them & trying to avoid that topic. so due to mental tension i had premature baby with low weight in C-section. just after 30 min spending with baby & first feed to him, baby went to incubator for 5 days. due to C-section i couldn't move. but incubator is in other hospital which is 15 min walk from my hospital. for every 1.5 hours i need to squeeze my breast a lot for breast milk. it is very pain full. There is no breast pump availability in that small town. i dont know how baby was...No warm hug..No mother touch to him. he got mild infection in lungs & doctor supplying antibiotics to baby. I saw my baby after 5days of his birth. :(. his two hands are swelled a lot because of continuous injection in veins. there are diaper red rashes on his skin due to nurse negligence. it makes me cry a lot...how bad mother i am... who is reason for this tension?

baby pediatrician said, due to premature birth his development milestones will be may delay by 2-4 months. so dont compare with other babies....it again adds bitterness in my heart.... what ever situations occurs in my life...the root cause is seems to be my In-laws. still i didn't question them. my DH didn't get any answer from them even though he asked. still i am cooking for them daily....i am caring there small needs. bitterness is raising in my throat with teared eyes some times.

i dont know where to yell my feelings. so i am writing hear.

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unable to forget INSANE of In-laws. still i am cooking for them. bitterness some time