I wish to be a nobody?

I have been a roller coaster ride, literally! Well, you are right, it is not the literal one but the figurative one. Now this confusion should tell you the state of mind I have been in. You may be wondering as to how come I am always on a ride. Don't kid yourself, look deep and you will realize that all of us are always on a ride, a high, seeking some thrill or at a low feeling down. How many of us can claim a state of equanimity all of the time, really?

Anyways, in the recent past in our house, the talk often has been about the legacy we leave behind. Honestly speaking sometimes with the ups and downs, all I want to scream is I don't want to leave any legacy. In fact there are days when I am so tired of being 'this' and 'that', that all I want to be is a 'nobody'! Yes, there I said it "I am not afraid to be a nobody". I cannot help but feel somehow liberated - just being one self, not wanting to leave a legacy, an imprint, most importantly letting go of the feeling that I mattered.

As I begin to give instructions as to what needs to be done, my DD walks in and goes "Oh mom it is you! I heard the voice and thought who is this angel speaking in our house?" That was all I needed to hear to tear up. It made me realize despite the stress, how I speak, what I speak and how I behave matters if not to anyone, to my little one most definitely.

As I talk with a young girl standing in line, I realize that not being Indian, she has spent 16 years of her life studying in JK's school because it mattered to her grandfather and the same young girl, seeing a person cut the line, walks up to her and asks her to back off and to wait for her turn. Her grand father's belief in JK's philosophy mattered to her and she standing up for what she believed in the line mattered to all of us waiting for our turn.

At the counter, a smiling young lad lets my luggage pass through - one way below the weight and another a little heavier. I thank him and he mumbles something as I pick my boarding passes and walk towards my gate. I am exhausted and all I want to do is just plop on to those seats and close my eyes. As I make my way through the business class, looking for my seat number, finding my seat number, I realize that that very same shy lad has upgraded me. As I think of that smile, that shy mumbling, I realized it mattered - his gesture to me.

As I finally sit on the last and the shortest leg of my long flight, I realize both my DD and I are shivering with cold and why not? After all we are ill equipped for the brutal cold weather as we return home. A gentle man in the next seat asks if we are okay. I smile and explain to him that we had a long flight and that we were coming home after a 3 week stay in India. The gentle man insists that we use his long warm coat till we get warm. As the plane taxis and we get ready to get off, he lets us go before him with a "You have had a long day. Please after you" followed by a "Miss! Welcome home!" I do nothing to hide my tears. The gesture, the welcome, mattered.

My DS is happy to see me after a gap of two weeks. A kid who has not stayed even a single night away from home has survived the brutal winters alone in a friend's house. As I think of ways to thank my friends, my DS comes to me with a sheet, puts it on the counter with a "Here, can you imagine I was so bored that I even managed to make this drawing for you" and walks away. As I thank God for giving me another reason to tear up, I realize that what my DS did mattered a lot to me.

As I sit in my warm cozy home, exhausted but happy to be home and think of the phrase I wish to be a nobody, the talk of the legacy we should leave behind, I realize in the larger scheme of things, who we are and what we do may not matter but then bring that focus down to that teeny weeny dot that we represent and suddenly we are bigger than that whole universe, no no not from the egoistic perspective but from the human perspective. For the people in that little universe of that tiny dot in which we wield our influence, we do matter for it is the little things that we do and that others do for us that makes us human and bring a smile. Whether we wish to be somebody or not, we end up making a difference - giving us an opportunity to give and to receive. And what a blessing it is being in that position - of making a difference and of receiving a grace! Whether we wish to be a nobody or somebody, leave a legacy or not, the fact is we matter and our actions do too, every single day!

I wish to be a nobody?