Need Advice!

Hello All,

Thanks for stopping by, long post, cannot put everything what I went thru..

Need some advice from all the people out there. I apologize for the long post. I live in USA, married for 6 years; have a 3 year old daughter. Mine was arranged marriage. My husband almost got engaged with some other girl and was broke due to some differences. He had relationship with other girls and he was a big time flirt (He used to flirt with girls in front of me). I had a Bf before marriage and due to some reasons did not work out. My husband is very outgoing, jovial, and possessive. very short tempered, and he wants me to do things which pleases him, and wanted me to talk how he wants me to and always tried to put in my mind what he plans for our life. I feel dominated, manipulated and abused. He always wants to hear what he wants to hear from me and make me repeat his words the way he wants. Within 4 months of marriage, he hit me out of anger because we were arguing on something and then I was brain washed saying that no one loves me and all that typical drama. He does not have good relation with his parents and he used to tell that they don’t love him and they always discriminated him and his brother, his parents have always supported his brother. After the first physical abuse, he hit me twice and one time my mouth was bleeding. He used fight and fight for hours, I am not girl who wants to fight or nag things, I want to forget and move on, but he keeps bringing back and I cannot forget. He used to ask me to hold his private part and massage him in the night to put him to sleep..( What about me and my feelings??). He is very short tempered and I am scarred he would hurt himself and me. There are some instances where he has hurt his forehead because he was arguing on something and he wanted to prove his point right. Why does this happen, why does Men always wants to prove their point. The journey has been hell. I came in as Visitor Visa, I wanted to do Masters but was convince to apply for H1B visa, the visa got denied, I had to apply for my college and convert my Visa to Student so that he could change his status from H1 to EAD and move on in his life. I was full time student and he wanted me to work full time for which I resisted again I was brainwashed and agreed to what he said, luckily I got job, worked for 4 mos and all my salary I gave it to him and I did not think about the money, I was happy, forgotten how he treated me. After completing 2 years of marriage, I got pregnant and was forced to search job but I was adamant and did not wanted to work. In 11 weeks of ultrasound we found out that my daughter is suffering from Heart defect, we were devastated.

My daughter was born with Heart defect, could not breast feed her, she came home after 2 open heart surgeries and Gtube(the tube connected to tummy to feed milk and food). I had to pump milk every 3 hours and feed her milk thru mouth and whatever she does not take; I had to feed her thru gtube. My life was hell. I could not hold her for first 1 month of her life. Then the problem between me and husband became worse. He was working 2 jobs which we did not want; he wanted to make some money. When my daughter came home, my in laws were there and I cannot ask any help from them. So I asked some help for my husband, he could not find what I was asking and I told him ‘you cannot do one thing which I asked’ it triggered him and hit me while holding the baby in front of MIL. I walked out of the house with baby but My MIL followed me and bought me back home, as soon as I stepped house, my hus kicked me from behind and I am still holding baby. Thankfully my baby was safe. I had bruises and my Mil did not tell me anything not even single word. I have problem with my FIL, he taunts and he keeps making fun of other people. My FIL fought with me and that was my breaking point in my life to not to respect him. I am mom of sick child and going thru so much and my FIL wants to prove his point rt. My IL’s left and my mom came to help me, and she could not bear how my husband was treating and kept asking me if he is taking care of me, my husband used to tell in front of my mom that he will hit and break all my teeth. At one point, I broke down and told her what all happened how he treated and controlling. I am not able to express everything here cos my life is novel. My mom escalated to my dad and more problems began because I informed my parents of his behavior and went thru hell for 3 years. He abused me physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually. There are instances that I was asked to shave my private parts in the middle of the night. I was hit, choked and spit saliva on my face and punish me saying I need to do 10sit up’s sometimes. Went through so much of emotional and mental abuse saying I am burden, I did not have strength to feed my baby, I am waste in this world, my family is gutter, my family is bad omen for him, and my dad promised a property and gold during the wedding and he could not give during the wedding so my husband sent his dad and his mama to my parents’ house to demand whatever my dad has promised, I was shattered. This created more problems, obviously at this pint of my life, I will support my dad and not my husband, any girl would have done the same. It would have been very easy for me to call 911 and I know everyone would have supported me. I did not do that thinking about his future & career. I was blamed and kept nagging about the situation for hours together. Put me thru hell, I have to take care of my baby and her feeding and her physical. I have to get up 5 times in the night to feed her and no help from husband; he used to sleep in different room saying he does not want to sleep with me.

After all this, I finished my college and got a full time job, He wanted his mom n dad to come and help with the baby, I agreed somehow. I had to cook, take care of everyone, no help because I had put a condition that IL’s will take care of baby only. He started abusing me sexually; he wants sex no matter how tired I am. He tells me his body needs sex, and he can hire a maid to help me with the chores and ask me not to get tired. He reminds me today is the sex day and not to get tired. Sometimes if I am sleeping after the long day, wake me up and ask for sex, I consider it as rape for me. I could not say no just to avoid any fights between us. Few times he has asked me if I want to sleep with other Men. He taunts me the way I dress, or put nail polish. He always said he is with me for the sake of my baby; he loves my daughter very much. There were so many fights, blames and he does not even sleep with me on the same bedroom. If he wants something he will come to me and after he is done, nothing to do with me, he will go and call his frens back home and will be on Phone till mid night. So I asked him for divorce and he got scared and started showing me his love but I had already made up my mind to leave and take my baby, I asked divorce twice but he denied. I wanted to share this with somebody so I emailed to ex BF, he started pouring love on me and I fell in love with him but I did not wanted to remarry, I did not wanted to go thru hell but was still confused about the marriage and my relation. I went to India and I planned to visit my Ex to his place, I met him for 2 days and something happened which should not have happened between us. I came back to USA and asked for divorce, he denied and out of frustration I made statements which I should have never made, I told my hus to keep the daughter and I will go away and was asking to sign the divorce paper. And one day I confessed to him that I was in relation with my ex and all the confession was recorded and started using against me. He fwd the recordings to his bro, my uncle and to his female fren. I was devastated; he planned, and made a trap to confess what happened. Then I spoke to my uncle abt wat happened how his treatment. He came and told us to get counselling for all the hurts. I confessed everything to him so that we can start fresh life. But being men he is not able to take the betrayal, I understand . Every day he taunts me, blames me and wants to accept it that’s it’s my entire fault and none of his fault. My point is, if there is broken marriage, the problem is both husband and wife. If he treated me good, why would I end up in this pathetic situation, why would I seek someone’s love? I committed sin which I cannot reverse it. Want to ask the people who are reading this was it my mistake for what happened? I told my husband I will take the responsibility for the sin I committed and he does not want to talk about his taunting, torturing behavior. He comments on girls private part, always crack dirty jokes, tries to flirt around girls…. Tell mean things about how people look… I don’t know what to do? Continue with the marriage or end the marriage. We both went thru counselling, the counsellor said straight on face, I need to support the victim and you have to change the way you talk to your wife or exaggerate the problem so he does not want to go for counselling with me anymore. I never asked or demanded for money or vacations from him. All I wanted is pampering and good love words from him.

Need Advice!