Feel suicidal today because of my own mother. Old member new id. Want to give up now

I am an old member and so mny of you have helped me here. Iam the same woman thathas terribly narcisstic parents. I have had sexual abuse as a child incestbymy older brothers and a stillbirth. Now i dont feel like living.

I have a great husband and 3yr old child but when my baby was born my parents fought with me so much that i lost my spirit. From then on we are on low contact

I keep forgetting my old id password so make a new one often. Here are my old threads and story.

I want to reveal something about my life. I was molested by 3 ppl. I need support, ad

I recently spoke with my mother my evil mother told me she was averygood parentduring my teenage years when i got involved with the guy at 16.
I want to reveal something here. I never had sex with this guy but once i went to his house when we were dating and we almost had sex. We are all women here mostly and i hope i can talk it out here. My mother has no idea about this but lately i keep thinking thereasonshe hates me is because she knows about that one time.
I wantto know does that make sense. I married to a good guy frok the cimmunityinever gave them any trouble after marriage too and loved them inspite of their abuse. Does the knowledge that i almosthad se once give her reason to hateme so much. I was 17 i had been molested neglected iwas maybe looking for love and offering my body.
He asked me to have sex with him. I knew i shouldnt and i did oral sex to him to make him happy.yes that makes me such cheap person right but now i am 37-andsne still hates me is this normal shpiod i let her continue to hate me all my life for a mistake i made 20 years ago.i keep thinking she knows she knows what i did tha day she is disgusted by me. What if my boyfriend made a video and showed it to her. Its such irrationL thoughts. How could she love me after seeing what i have done.

I am very sad and on the brink of killing myself. Can someone here help me. Can you tell me that no no matter what she saw or knows or assumes she shluld have loved me once I reformed and became a decent person. Please remove me fromthis mental anguish. I am trusting u that because of our culture u will not ridicule me not tell me i deserve abuse for my teenage mistakes not tell me my mother has every right to hate me and want me to die.

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Feel suicidal today because of my own mother. Old member new id. Want to give up now