The reception was spick and span and furnished with sofas that gave me a sinking feeling. (I literally sank into one of them).). I was given a token as soon as I entered the office and joined a whole bunch of people waiting for their turn.
No it certainly was not a clinic.or a bank. It was the Ban All Bureau. (BAB) If you wonder what ban all bureau is keep wondering for sometimes until I meet one of their execs. As soon as my turn came the svelte receptionist called me and asked me to go into one of the many cabins.
I entered a cabin and faced a thirtyish bespectacled , clean shaven guy in a business suit who flashed a smile and motioned me to take a seat.
Welcome to the Ban All Bureau “ he said. “ We offer our services in getting your works,, be it they films or books face the threat of a ban. You would be amazed to know the number of people and organisations that are on our panel who at a very short notice can create a big ruckus demanding a ban of something or other., What do you want to be banned?”
“My last thread on IL" I said.
"tou are in the right place. Depending upon how much you can cough up we have a whole bunch of people and organisations who would happily demand that it be banned. We have people and organisations for every price who specialize in demanding a ban, I suppose you are not satisfied the number of visits to your page.”
“You betcha. Even after a week the number of views have not crossed the hundred mark”
“ Ah , leave the matter to us. We will get someone to issue a statement that your blog should be banned. because it hurts some sentiment or other and see how the number of views soars, Now, let me know how much you can afford to pay for our services”.
May I have your rate list?” I asked. He handed me the list.
The cheapest service was getting someone to issue a press statement saying something or other should be banned. If you wanted to carry the mater forward after the statement the charges went up. A demonstration outside your house cost a lot more. Burning buses and hurling stones at government buildings demanding a ban came at a higher price. There were even special rates for getting the client arrested by cops for disturbing public order even if that bloke didn't hurt a fly.
“We specialize in activities that excite curiosity about books and films and makes even the worst among them into superhits and bestsellers.” said the guy . Every second filmmaker and author comes here to seek our help to launch a movement against their works so that people rush to bookshops and cinemas before they are banned.. You are the first person to come here over a blog”
“Do you have other services too?” I asked.
“Some very specialized ones but only if you have a masochistic streak”
“Such as?”
“ Well for a price we can get you bashed up for writing a blog hurting the sentiments of someone. It doesn’t have to be specially controversial. Even a sentence like ‘ Earth is round’ can be used to generate protests by the flat earth society. Here a simple slap comes for 1000 bucks. Then prices go up for a few punches, being clubbed and kicked and even hospitalized with broken bones . can cost a neat packet.
“What else do you do?” I asked.
“Oh lot of aspiring politicians and leaders of fledgling parties land up here seeking our assistance. You see there is a general belief that if some politicians open there mouths to bad .mouth some others of their tribe the guys at the receiving end would go places. So we provide them these services”.
He lowered his voice. “ Don’t tell anyone but there is a massive waiting list of people who want to be trashed by Rahul Gandhi. because it is a proven fact that when he opens his mouth to criticise some party that party’s flock and its stock in the political market goes up. You know our bureau was almost derailed when he did his disappearing act”.
“Now enough of that . Let us get to your blog. How much can you pay to get it bad mouthed?”
“Nothing”
“Huh?”
The list of ban seekers on your panel is so impressive that I wouldn’t like to waste their time with a humble blog. But I am impressed. . May be when someone is foolish enough to commission a movie or book by me I would seek your services. Until then happy ban all” I said.
“What do you mean by ban all?” asked the wife as I opened my eyes. “ You nodded off watching the news on TV about the latest on that Kamal Hasan movie which was in the midst of controversy recently with someone demanding its ban.. I really don’t know how these jokers even without watching a movie get the enlightenment that it hurts their sentiments.”

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