Yamaraj FM

The idea struck me, to use a worn out cliché like a bolt from the blue after I read on some website about Thomas Alva Edison trying to invent a phone that could help you ring up your near and dear ones in the hereafter. So if we could have telecom links why couldn’t radio and television channels from the other world be beamed to us humble mortals? May be live telecasts of Urvasi and Menaka doing item numbers UP THERE would inspire us to be good and hell’s horror shows which hopefully won’t provoke laughter like the earthly ones, would strengthen our determination not to be bad guys and gals..

As I am more interested in hell than heaven ( who wants to watch item numbers by millennia-old Apsaras or keep running into Mahatma Gandhi or Mother Teresa?Hell would at least have Bollywood item girls and playboy bunnies), I sat back, and wondered about a hell-based FM radio station broadcasting to earth and my imagination simply ran amok. Here is the result:

Welcome to Yamaraj FM ladies and gentlemen, this is your RJ Chitu wishing you a very good day before you land up in our world and have very bad eternities.. Before we go further let me attend a caller.

Who did you say you are? Serial killer? Haha let me guess your name. It is TRP Ratings right? No?You mean you don’t kill TV serials but people? Too bad buddy if you were responsible for the demise of TV shows you would end up in heaven and not hell for that is a good deed.

What did you say? Hell is fine with you as long as there are clean toilets here? Sorry there is only an executive toilet for the boss and not so executive ones for his humble minions. You guys can’t relieve yourself. There is no relief for you. Don’t worry we will keep you so busy in various activities here that you wouldn’t even dream of offloading your bowels and bladders. Thank you.

Oh the calls I have to attend!!!!! Now let us go for the top three hits of this week. The first is the Seekh Kabab Song ( The air is filled with groans and screams of people getting roasted in hellish tandoors)

RJ: Chitu (as the sounds die away): Boy wasn’t that a real foottapper? Yuck what is this dung lying next to me? Hey Mr,.Dhoot did the bossman’s transport enter the studio? It did? Why the hell does it leave the parking lot? Whaddumean by sorry Mr.Chitragupta? Don’t call me by that name here!!!!! It is so old fashioned!

Sorry folks, this boss of mine he doesn’t even want to replace his buffalo with a Yamaha bike. He says his present mode of transport is more eco friendly. But why the hell doesn’t he give me a computer to enter all the accounts of sins of commission and omission. No! not even a pen! I gotta enter them using a feather dipped in ink! Ouch damn my frozen shoulder.! Oh oh here’s another caller.

Sorry boss is it you? I am not supposed to vent personal grievances on Yamaraj FM. Otherwise I will have to make four copies of my accounts instead of one using a goose quill.? I promise I won’t boss.

Okay here is the news.. The staff of the cut cut chop chop department have threatened to go on an indefinite strike following reports of upgradation of the department replacing them with chefs from earth. Since time began these guys have been cutting sinners to pieces and sending them to reconstruction department for reassembly and they are returned for further cutting and chopping.

And these reconstruction guys do a real sloppy job . They put heart where the head should and head in heart’s place. They can’t even solve a simple jigsaw puzzle And now the boss wants the chefs here saying that they are refined when it comes to cutting things. Unlike out amateurs who cut everything sorry everybody roughly, these guys can dice them julienne them, mince them among various interesting cuts and chops. But experts say this could lead to the reconstruction department guys going on a strike. As it would take more labour to reconstruct sinners who have been minced or julienned.

Ah here’s is a caller. What are you? A chef? What do you mean by why a chef should come to hell? My dear chap you con diners by giving intimidatingly fancy names to the stuff they eat at home and in the name of molecular gastronomy serve atomic portions, charging fancy prices. Where do you think you would end up, in Indra’s kitchen perhaps? Bye chef nice talking to you, I have to attend another call.

Hah here is a politician a surefire candidate for this place. Well Netaji, what can I do for you? You want to know whether there are any cultural exchange agreement between heaven and hell? Sorry apsaras won’t come on cultural tour to hell unless they rub someone the wrong way and are transferred here. Of late the naughty girls have been behaving exceptionally well,. And even if they come here they would dance only on hot coals.

Sorry folks, I couldn’t put on the next number. Too many calls. Oh dear here is another one. Oh dear a journalist. What you want a clarification on a rumour about me? You heard that I am going to be replaced by Arnab Goswami as RJ?

We in hell believing in torturing you only after you arrive here. We don’t want to torment people with splitting headache while still on Planet Earth. So Arnab’s ruled out., He can have my account keeping job instead.

That’s all for today folks. Before saying bye let me remind you to watch our reality horror show Deep fried souls on the NV (acronym for Narakvision) channel.

(Phew that’s all. Hope this cured many Ilites of insomnia)

Yamaraj FM