Need some help in getting perspective of things from others especially women. I cannot discuss this with any of my real world friends. So, came here to get help from my online friends.
I have been married for over an year. It was an arranged marriage. I went to India to see the girl. Match was fixed and engagement done in 2 weeks and we got married 4 months later. Coming to me, I was never in a relationship with anyone before marriage. I do not have negative opinions on love marriages or anything but it just didn't happen with me(may be because of my family background, orthodox upbringing, my focus on other matters etc). When my wife and I were talking before marriage during courtship period, initially she used to talk less and seemed very reserved. Eventually, she opened up and once she raised the topic of GF's or past love affairs. I said I had none and she also said that she had no BF's in past.
We got married and everything seemed happy for first 3 months. Then, accidentally I came to know that she had a relationship for almost 7 years and wanted to marry that guy. Her parents were against it and forced her into arranged marriage with emotional blackmail. I asked her and she accepted it(she had no choice as I had proof). I asked her if she still has feelings and gave her an option to walk out if she would like as I did not want some one to stay with me forcibly. She said everything was past and now she is happy with me. At that time, even though I did not ask, she took a promise on me that she was always in her limits and did not have any kind of physical relationship.
Everything seemed fine for couple of days but then some one messaged me with more details of her relationship which proved her physical relationship. She tried to lie again but accepted once I showed her the proof. Even after so many lies, I could not say anything as I cared deeply for her and was in love with her.Not sure why but I couldn't even shout at her. More than her past, I just could not digest the fact that she kept on lying to me.
I wanted to forget everything and wanted to live happily with her. We did not have a fight or big argument over it and told no one about it. I just let her know that I was upset over this. Couple of weeks later, we were able to get over it and were being back to normal.
It's been more than year now since all this happened. We never had any arguments or discussions over her past after that. Life has been really good but once in a while, I get into depressive mood thinking over her past but I never let her know my wife about it. When I'm home with her, I don't get these feelings. Only when I'm alone and idle that these thoughts keep coming in.
These are the things that keep haunting me again and again:
1. Her lies. She lied to me saying that I was her first love and everything.She was in contact(emails, chats) with her ex after our marriage got fixed and even after marriage until I came to know about them. Once before marriage, on one end, she was chatting with me in jovial mood and at the same time in another window she was chatting with her BF. She said a few mean things about me that still haunt me. She says that it's her karma that she is getting married to a person like me and was telling him about my bald head and our age gap. When we first met, I wanted to be upfront and told her about my meat eating, drinking habits. She said nothing about it to me but was telling to her BF that she he has to live with a person with these habits. To break the ice, I was being funny with her but she tells her BF that she feels nauseated at my jokes. When I look back, I'm not sure if all those beautiful memories that I had, whether they mean the same to her. Due to this, I'm having a hard time trying to trust her. When I say trust, I don't mean that she may cheat or something(she would never do that) but whether she really loves me or not and if she is happy.
2. I had the unfortunate privilege of seeing her ex's pics and knowing about him. I'm not sure why I even did that but now it's killing me. He is better than me in every front. Way more handsome, better college degree and job. I'm no way comparable to him. I somehow lost my self esteem and feel bad for my wife that due to her bad luck, she has to adjust with me because of her parents pressure. I feel low and lost my confidence and doubt if I can ever make her feel COMPLETELY happy. I spend sleepless nights worrying over the fact that even though my wife loves me and seems happy, she will always have this dis-satisfaction of compromising, adjusting with me even though she had better options and that kills me.I feel that I'm fighting a loosing battle with her ex's shadow to make her happy. Sometimes, I just feel like I should give up as I will never be able to reach that.
I have been trying really hard to get over these but still struggling to get over them. I know this is my insecurity and I should not feel that way but can't help.
Just wanted to share these feelings with some one and get some suggestions.
Need help to get out of depression
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